is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
