i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
