dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
