Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
