I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This baby is an asshole
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
