Plan B is the new Plan A
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I supernannyed him into submission
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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