Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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