We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
