I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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