I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
