the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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