How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
