3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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