Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
