If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
