When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
