Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
