I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
