Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
