There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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