i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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