Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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