I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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