I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
