I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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