i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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