My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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