How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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