come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
