Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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