So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
