i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
