You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.