is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody