I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
