I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
