mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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