Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
