dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
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Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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