my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
