i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
