how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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