I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
