If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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