butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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