I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
