dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
