Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
