I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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