i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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