I cockslap morals
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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