My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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