Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
