I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
