I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
