i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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