when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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