You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
