Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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