his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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