i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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