I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
