Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
as a side note pls kill me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize